"There is No clutter in the path to my heart"

- Yet another confession

Friday April 10, 2009, Time 5.30 pm, Place: Wockhardt Heart Centre - Kamineni Hospitals, Hyderabad.

Ten hours after it started the pain in the chest didn't subside and then the Cardiologist said, "We need to put you in observation for the night"... in the next half hour I was in the ICCU (Intensive Cardiac Care Unit)… then started the trauma!

It was 7.30 am of the Friday morning, what started as a harmless pain in the chest on the left side, soon turned worrisome and gastric was ruled out, a local physician said there was a mild variation in the ECG, but prescribed half a dozen tablets. As time passed, the pain only got worse, until it was decided to go to Kamineni and after the usual ECG and 2D Echo had ruled out any problem came the Troponin-T blood test that put me in the dock, it was construed to be a cardio-vascular problem.

As I was being wheeled into the ICCU, I could see tears dripping from Wife's eyes and my friend Raghuveer grim faced, in a few moments I was left alone with no contact with family and friends, at the mercy of the wired wonders that never ceased to beep throughout the night, the friendly nurses and the serious faced cardiologists. A night that I shall never forget in my life, brought back all memories - good and bad, memories of friends and foes, the highs and lows in life, the best and worst - yes sleep was the last thing on mind... NO I was not scared to sleep, I was sure something was amiss, but then this was one night I had to prove that I was fine... and am going to be fine for long... to fulfill Life's unfulfilled dreams!

A Couple of more ECGs and the long drawn 2D Echo in the night were enough to tell me I was doing great, and I badly wanted to convey this to my family and friends outside - but to no avail, the Doctors however were busy trying to pin me down to go for an Angiogram, that would prove that there was no clutter in the path to my heart. Then the twist happened, the 6.30am blood test proved two things, the Trop-T was negative - wow, did I heave a sigh of relief, and then it also told that my Cholesterol levels had increased considerably over the past 6 months.
But the Good news was - I had NO cardiac issue whatsoever - the valves leading to my heart are all clutter free and clear...!

The Saturday morning did bring cheer to my wife and Raghuveer's face - The Chief cardiologist declared that I would be allowed to go (discharged was his word) following the TMT (Tread Mill Test). It wasn't until 11.30 am that I had the privilege of stepping out of the ICCU to take the final test to prove my fitness. Soon I had run the best race of my life with out moving out of the room, I must've covered over 10 kms before I stopped the treadmill owing to pain in the calf and not pain in the chest, I had cleared the final hurdle and was wearily on my way home.

It was an emotional moment to see my daughter after almost 22 hrs and the faces of my parents and sister too lit up...!

The Final diagnosis: No Cardio-Vascular Problem, No Gastric problem, High level of Cholesterol and increased triglyceride count.

Yes I will soon have to be facing a battery of visitors and a multitude of advice – I was getting ready for the worst now.

What followed was a list of Dos and Don’ts from all and sundry, they called it a wake up call, they said I needed to exercise more, some said I needed to cut down on oil, a few added “stop junk food”, then I heard ‘No rice – more bread’, Samosas, Mirchis, Burgers, Pizzas, Pav Bhaajis all joined the list of don’ts. But the one that was unanimous on everyone’s lips was – “Quit Smoking”, I knew it was coming, but this one was a deluge, the endless flow of words on the carcinogenic effect and the cardio-vascular relation, I was never more educated than now.

Yes I’ve kicked the butt to ensure that I don’t kick the bucket early. Even as I write this after a week of the incident, I feel as fresh and healthy as ever sans the vice that was part of my life for 23 years.

In conclusion: I have gained a few more grey hair with knowledge of the harmful effects of the vices, I’ve sent shock and shivers across my friends and their families - for no apparent fault of mine and above all I am truly indebted to the well wishers who have been so concerned and caring in their support.

I continue to believe in the motto :

Life is too wonderful to be spent worrying

____

Yes… I Love Her… and meet her secretly - quite often…!

.... Yet another confession...! This one has been closely held for long... now the world needs to know...!

March 5: I woke up in a chirpy mood I was all excited about my day, got ready unusually fast and eagerly waiting at the breakfast table half an hour ahead of my daily scheduled 9 am…!

YES I had a reason to be so excited … I was going to meet the Best friend in my life…! A friend, who just adores me, loves me, pampers me and above all has never ever failed to cheer me. My wife got a bit curious, wanted to know why I was in a real bubbly mood today… she did notice that… and also this was not the first time I was thus behaving! I wanted to brush aside the query – but worried of the further queries – I told her I was meeting an old friend, a trusted friend.

What I didn’t tell her about this friend was, it was one who I so secretly admired and who I met more than once a week sometimes… and above all I never delved into the gender part – thankfully even she didn’t ask me whether it was “he” or “she” I was meeting. All she asked was - what it is the meeting about – I nervously said “I’ll be getting home things my friend showers on me and share it with you…!”

I checked my wallet for the contents… “Disgusting”, I told myself… “Buying something expensive for your friend?” she asked – “Nah… I am broke” I said, She knew I was lying… I wasn’t broke!

As I rushed out to start my car… my wife noticed a wry smile on my face, I too noticed her… and feared more volleys, but was pleasantly surprised as she said… “Have a Nice day and yes! convey my regards to your friend” – uff… did she say “her” – nope that wide smile meant she didn’t – I cranked my car and was off in a jiffy…!

I was now getting much restless… the peak hour traffic was slowing down the pace, I already started thinking of how I would handle the excitement of meeting her… do I hug her, give her a peck or plain handshake… Well why do I have to think about all this…? I know what I do every time I meet her… It’s become a routine… and I was not going to think of anything more now…!

The snail’s pace of traffic was getting on my nerves… the honking got louder and as I was getting late for office… I knew there was very little time for her… I even contemplated postponing the meeting to later in the day or may be to the evening, on my way back home…! I knew for sure – she would wait for me till eternity and would never complain whatever time I met her, I still remember the time I sneaked out of home at midnight to meet her. She never complained and welcomed me with the same warmth as ever.

Then it happened all so suddenly… I parked my car at her gate… walked in and had the customary exchange of pleasantries… (well no details of how or what) she knew the purpose of my visit… I just had to give her one…hmmm! And she gave me back hundreds…! was I counting? No never, I never counted…, I was now blushing…! The meeting over; I rushed out in a hurry… I didn’t say a word about when next…? She never asked…! But I knew it wouldn’t be long… may be in a week’s time, looking around if no one noticed, I tucked into my car and joined the traffic which was now much faster.

My heart was pounding with excitement… always found it difficult to handle the post meeting excitement, it was always the one that was well… aah…! I started planning, actually planning about what all to do, till my next meeting with her…!

That evening I couldn’t conceal my happiness as I reached home, I had some goodies (bought on my way home) for my daughter and some groceries my wife wanted… she then asked what my friend gave me…?

Now I garnered all the courage and told her in plain terms… I didn’t ask for much from her – just got Rs. 10k, the rest will go directly to the housing loan emi, the car loan emi, the personal loan, the consumer loan, the credit card repayments etc.

She always knew and never held any grouse over my best friend in life – my dear atm! It is this any-time-money, the best friend in my life; I meet on my salary day… and keep meeting “her” on and off throughout the month. Yes I love her… she never fails to cheer me… and gives me hundreds when I need – all I do is give her that one hmmm - card…!

_ _ _

Confessions of a flawed Perfectionist - III

In Conclusion - Its getting emotional like never before!

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.

~Jonatan Mårtensson

The sea has always been a source of inspiration with many a tale to tell. The waves are awesomely inspiring not because they rise and fall; because once they fall they NEVER fail to rise again.

In my quest for perfection I’ve run through many a rough weather, at times the tides were high and violent, and most times it was smooth sailing, but then the aspect that I’m referring to in this concluding part of the “Confessions…” is Emotions!

Yes I’m a very emotional person

Emotions that have seen hit the roof and also bury deep in sulking state.

I have an emotional attachment with the Sea – the Beach – especially the Madras beach, well Madras because it was in 1990, when the name was still intact and I was a loner on the beach most days of the week for the six months I spent there. Those were the days when post dinner I’d sit watching the waves, gazing at the stars and feeling the sand for almost over hours, humming the best of Kishore Kumar and slowly return back to my solitary confinement well past midnight. The emotions flowed with the waves - the solitude was sometimes painful, sometimes wonderful but at most times welcome!

In my eighteen odd years after the sustained romance with the waves on the Marina, I had moved along life at a pace that is surely not classified as hectic, changed jobs, changed to the media industry imbibed more responsibilities, found newer luxuries, newer friends, relations With them more comfort and more discomfort.

I returned once again on the night of Feb 7th, 2009 to the same spot that was once a daily haunt. I was reminiscing my days of the yore, when I had nothing but my pharma selling job, a few friends, a huge collection of Kishore Kumar songs, a tiny transistor and the bare necessities – and yes – no luxuries, no worries, no tensions, no botherations, no pressures, no money either. What I had was basic amenities that got me through life and was just enough to be happy and contended

Three hours at the beach was just not enough to revive all thoughts and refresh the emotional quotient… but then it really re-charged the positive emotions that were just waiting to die down, lost in the nostalgia of the best of lives’ moments…!

As I sat there looking at the almost full moon the swirling waves, the soft sands I realized nothing had changed, yes nothing had changed in the natural realm… the sand, sea and the sky had remained the same in all these years. As I turned back away from the sea – I saw the skyline had changed, the change was evident in glitzy cars, sky rise buildings, electrifying lifestyles that were governed by money – Yes I had more money than I could’ve imagined in those solitary days.

Nothing had changed, yes nothing had changed in the natural realm… the sand, sea and the sky had remained the same in all these years.

But too many emotions were now taking over – the nostalgia of having nothing and being happy, to having everything – still happy – but with enough worries that could let the smile vanish. I kept hearing to the waves that were now growing bigger – they slowly became music to my ears, the eyes started to moisten, I started to get emotional again Yes questions started flowing in – If nature didn’t change a bit – why did life in all its human progression – through technology – have to change and bring in luxuries coupled with miseries?

Why did life have to move on? Why didn’t time stop then? There has been many an emotional moment in these 18 years that would have been left out of history if time had stopped there!
I’ve seen dozens of friends leaving the shores of India for greener pastures, never ever to return again – always felt the emotion of missing them overpowering reason, now it’s like that’s their life and they never wanted to be here…never!

However I’m here – here to stay – regaling the memories, sharing a shoulder, shedding a silent tear, loading the memory drive with some more emotions… endless thoughts endless emotions!

As I walked back, struggling in the sand, I realized – there is more to it than a normal relation between the emotions and the waves – yes they will never fail to rise again..!

------------- Series Concluded ---------------

Almost a Millionaire...!

I am happy to inform you that I've NOW become a Millionaire and I intend to share my happiness with you all...

In this moment of joy and contentment - I am overwhelmed with gratitude to all of you who have been dreaming on the same lines and have made this happen.

Attached is the mail I have received - which proves my claim to being a Millionaire.

How I Wish this wasn't SPAM...!

Now back to Work in all the Dhakka-Mukki of Life...!

Such mails bring lots of cheer - at least momentarily!

Hail the Spam

FYI - 1 Euro = Rs. 62.189. That makes me rich by Rs. 6,21,89,000/-

Happy to be back on Terra firma

- Venkat

---------- The Email message ----------

From: WINS

Date: Tue, 3 Feb 2009 21:38:15 -0800

Subject: CONGRATULATIONS !!

To:

We are happy to inform you that your email address was indicated and

was drawn, also attached to a serial numbers FTS/8070337201/06 and

drew the lucky numbers 15-22-24-48-50-37(30) which subsequently won

you 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) from the Free Online Promotion.

The draws was registered as Draw number one was conducted in Madrid

Spain,on the 2nd Febuary 2009.

Find below the details of the Claims Agent and contact

him with the following details for verifications:

(1.)FULL NAME:

(2.)FULL ADDRESS:

(3.)NATIONALITY:

(4.)AGE:

(5.)OCCUPATION:

(6.)MOBILE/TELEPHONE NUMBER:

(7.)DATE OF WINNING AWARD:

(8.)SEX:

AGENT NAME:    MR JAMES LEWIS (Claims Agent)

AGENT EMAIL:    jameslewisdept411@msn.com

Thanks,

Mrs.Gloria Anderson

SPAINISH PROMO ANNOUNCER.

___________________________________________________

Confessions of a flawed perfectionist - II

Anger - Its Just one letter short of Danger 

.... and YES there is surely no place for Modesty 

My penchant for punctuality is just one aspect of my path to perfectionism!

 

Here I delve upon another of my weaknesses that I’ve drawn strength from, actually its strange that this seems more of a justification of a wrong rather than confessing to it as a wrong!

 

I have had a very independent upbringing, quite a luxury in my times, when parental and peer pressure was paramount in the growing up years – and which has reached dizzy levels in the present generation.

 

My parents had not much say in what I did after my X std, absolutely no say whatever. I pursued my education on my own terms; they never knew where my college was, leave alone my marks. That I had topped the languages in my first year of graduation was not known to them nor the fact that I had to repeat all my 3 optionals to get into the next year.

 

The three years of graduation was one good long joy ride that brought with it the hardening of the person. I became witty and gregarious, articulate in speech and writing, an extrovert who made every gathering lively - but then the one aspect that set me apart from my father and which is one of my major weaknesses is my anger. Yes… I kept telling the world around me that its just one letter short of Danger – and I could never control my short temper. I have faced many situations which have left people red faced and me in poor light all thanks to my anger.

 

Anger was uninvited manifestation that usually left me wondering if it was avoidable, could be eradicated, very frankly I had no answers. Time flew I had gathered more friends and more reasons to enjoy, more reasons to entertain and get entertained, I moved along carrying lots of memories, knowledge and in the process wisdom that made me think saner with every passing day. But I also carried the excess baggage in all earnest, without letting it go, the anger persisted.

 

But then time has been a great healer, on the threshold of getting into the 40s I’ve never felt any younger than now, and yes wiser having learnt to harness the anger into positive energy. Not that I’ve mastered it… but the intensity has surely come down!

 

There has been lot of talk of calling myself a perfectionist – well to set the record straight – I consider myself one of those who has been striving hard to be a Perfectionist – in everything I do, so this rejoinder on my own blog is also an exercise towards that.

I’ll be back recounting more experiences – or should I continue calling them ‘confessions’?

Confessions of a flawed perfectionist

.... and there is no place for Modesty 

“Time and tide wait for none” – screamed the inspirational board on my school library wall – that was 1980. Five words that changed my perspective and in due course changed the perception of people towards me, not just then, but forever!

 

From my obsession for punctuality, that has brought more brickbats than bouquets, to the uncanny eye for detail – I’ve been faced with resistance from the multitude of people who have walked along and who I have encountered in my journey of life.

 

The outbursts following long waits for friends, who habitually turned up late – be it for movies, picnics, parties or even for the meetings at the street corner cafés, made my resolve stronger for punctuality and perfection.

 

Early in life I’ve seen my father, a soft spoken - god fearing – introvert – easily scared of and conned by many man struggling to come to terms with the guiles of the growing number of offenders – but resilient as always, he remained calm and continued to practice his way of life – one that is governed by time and morals.

 

From the baritone to the big physical frame – I am totally different from my father – I wanted to be and have been an extrovert, gregarious, brash and very temperamental.

However hard I’ve tried to be different from him, I’m glad there is one thing that’s in the genes – the overwrought nervousness that takes over in the face of punctuality or the lack of it around our world.

 

There are numerous stories that can be related by my friends, who have borne the brunt of my repulsive behaviour for ‘their’ lack of time sense and kept me waiting restlessly.

 

Even today as I watch helplessly the people around me ‘playing’ their role to perfection, I am left wondering – have I erred in a major way in my judgment, Should I have been as ‘move with the tide’ type or as ‘insensitive to the morals’ type - people who are revered and respected by the skewed social compulsions?

 

I have no doubt in answering the above with a firm No. My choice is made; I’d prefer penury to perjury, or the semblance to the same

 

What worries me to no end is that here “Time and Tide” does wait for the incompetent pretender, who shares space and is considered equal with the knowledgeable few.

 

This is just the beginning… There is more to it than meets the eye – I’ll be back recounting more experiences – or should I continue calling them ‘confessions’?

 

-------------------

Another memorable year archived to history…!

It's been a year of many ups and downs – a roller coaster of a ride world wide. Life has traversed almost 365 days and though at a personal level – it has been a routine, that has nothing much to write about, - things around my world of interest have seen a sea change.

In spite of the fact that I have interests in varied fields – politics, sports, music, cinema, entertainment, environment, technology and more – following sports in general has always taken up most of my time, and cricket in particular has had some phenomenal performances that I would want to record during the course of this year-end summary for my diary.

A year that I cherish for having put back on track my passion for writing, especially this blog, also will be remembered for a few sad moments too. There are quite a few things during the year that stand out; top among them would be the moment I decided to embrace vaishnavism in totality – the Samasrayanam on October 1 would, I am sure, bring more inner peace to me and my family. Growth at work place is always reckoned as recognition of the dedication and this year too saw a climb of one rung up the ladder.

Having completed 1 year at my all-new ‘Dream home’ which is also completion of 3 decades at the same address is an achievement that marks the tranquility that life brings here.

The deaths and destruction caused across the world and in India have always pained me and this year too there was a fair share of such moments - the heightened terror strikes on Mumbai – being the lowest point. Personally losing my uncle (in Chennai) gave much grief, one which my family has slowly come to terms with.

For one always aiming to lead a very simple and principled life, giving much importance to ethics and morals – the year saw many a person I am associated with, transgress the set norms, giving much heart burn – and all I could do was watch in despair – a mute spectator. I pray, the New Year would give me lesser occasions of the kind to be witness to.

For the Cricket fanatic in me, this year would be remembered for, apart from many innings, the triple hundred by Sehwag against SA at Chennai, the swashbuckling innings of my International favourites – Greame Smith, Chris Gayle, McCullum and Sangakkara and the big victories in Tests for India versus the World’s top two teams (Aus & SA) and of course for the God of them all – Sachin Tendulkar – for not just going past Brian Lara and 12000 runs but also for burying the ghost of ‘having never scored’ the “fourth innings-century-enabling India win in Tests”. Yes he shall carry on into another year the spirit of ‘many an Indian hope’, and I wish he scale many more heights in his long and illustrious career.

As I reminisce of all the people who have travelled along with me through my life of almost 4 decades and continued to be supportive in the year that is coming to an end - a special mention of the newer friends who have come along and joined as co travellers in this journey, among them a young and bubbly decade and half junior from my school.

"New Year resolutions are made to be broken", says a good techie friend of mine, so in order to subvert this notion, and to break an addiction of over 22 years, I've advanced my 'resolution' by a few days - more on this later!

My new acquisition of the year – an i10 car in May, is one of the prized possessions that will vroom along with me and my family into the New Year with the renewed hope of finding peace, prosperity and virtues to make us all good human beings…!

With the thought:

"However dark and dense the clouds may be,

Sun will shine back.

And it will shine the brightest."

I wish a very Happy New-s Year 2009

________________________________