Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.
In my quest for perfection I’ve run through many a rough weather, at times the tides were high and violent, and most times it was smooth sailing, but then the aspect that I’m referring to in this concluding part of the “Confessions…” is Emotions!
Yes I’m a very emotional person
Emotions that have seen hit the roof and also bury deep in sulking state.
I have an emotional attachment with the Sea – the Beach – especially the Madras beach, well Madras because it was in 1990, when the name was still intact and I was a loner on the beach most days of the week for the six months I spent there. Those were the days when post dinner I’d sit watching the waves, gazing at the stars and feeling the sand for almost over hours, humming the best of Kishore Kumar and slowly return back to my solitary confinement well past midnight. The emotions flowed with the waves - the solitude was sometimes painful, sometimes wonderful but at most times welcome!
In my eighteen odd years after the sustained romance with the waves on the Marina, I had moved along life at a pace that is surely not classified as hectic, changed jobs, changed to the media industry imbibed more responsibilities, found newer luxuries, newer friends, relations With them more comfort and more discomfort.
I returned once again on the night of Feb 7th, 2009 to the same spot that was once a daily haunt. I was reminiscing my days of the yore, when I had nothing but my pharma selling job, a few friends, a huge collection of Kishore Kumar songs, a tiny transistor and the bare necessities – and yes – no luxuries, no worries, no tensions, no botherations, no pressures, no money either. What I had was basic amenities that got me through life and was just enough to be happy and contended
Three hours at the beach was just not enough to revive all thoughts and refresh the emotional quotient… but then it really re-charged the positive emotions that were just waiting to die down, lost in the nostalgia of the best of lives’ moments…!
As I sat there looking at the almost full moon the swirling waves, the soft sands I realized nothing had changed, yes nothing had changed in the natural realm… the sand, sea and the sky had remained the same in all these years. As I turned back away from the sea – I saw the skyline had changed, the change was evident in glitzy cars, sky rise buildings, electrifying lifestyles that were governed by money – Yes I had more money than I could’ve imagined in those solitary days.
Nothing had changed, yes nothing had changed in the natural realm… the sand, sea and the sky had remained the same in all these years.
But too many emotions were now taking over – the nostalgia of having nothing and being happy, to having everything – still happy – but with enough worries that could let the smile vanish. I kept hearing to the waves that were now growing bigger – they slowly became music to my ears, the eyes started to moisten, I started to get emotional again Yes questions started flowing in – If nature didn’t change a bit – why did life in all its human progression – through technology – have to change and bring in luxuries coupled with miseries?
Why did life have to move on? Why didn’t time stop then? There has been many an emotional moment in these 18 years that would have been left out of history if time had stopped there!
I’ve seen dozens of friends leaving the shores of India for greener pastures, never ever to return again – always felt the emotion of missing them overpowering reason, now it’s like that’s their life and they never wanted to be here…never!
However I’m here – here to stay – regaling the memories, sharing a shoulder, shedding a silent tear, loading the memory drive with some more emotions… endless thoughts endless emotions!
As I walked back, struggling in the sand, I realized – there is more to it than a normal relation between the emotions and the waves – yes they will never fail to rise again..!
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